Mom and Dad, it’s time to talk
Author
Thomas Wiest
CEO, Aspirience Home Care
I was talking with some friends of ours the other day. They have both have flourishing professional careers, been married 25 plus years, etc. Life should be their oyster. It is not.
They are desperately trying to sort out the lives of their parents, all four of whom are well into their 80s. One parent has cancer and is trying to persuade his wife they should move into an assisted-care facility to set her up for when he dies. Another frail parent has dementia and his wife will not allow any help from “strangers” in her home.
Such is the case of millions of Baby Boomers across the country, grappling with getting the best care possible for elderly parents. The stress for all concerned is enormous, especially as it relates to issues of independence. This so called “Me” generation is shouldering the burden for the elderly just as they themselves are heading toward older age.
One of the biggest problems in such situations is communication between the kids and the parents. Many Boomers feel stuck as the perpetual “child,” unable to talk with their parents as peers, unable to solve critical problems affecting their aging loved ones.
Researchers have recently coined the phrase “the 40/70 rule,” meaning that, if you’re 40 or your parents are 70, it’s time to start talking about sensitive topics such as this.
Many Boomers, many of them well-educated professionals, still feel like they’re stuck in the child role and they don’t know how to get out of it. It can be a tough discussion talking with your parents about thorny independence issues such as getting help in the home with daily living activities, as well as financial matters, stopping from driving their care and personal hygiene.
Other leading roadblocks to communication were: the senior parent refusing to talk; the adult child feeling unprepared; fear on the part of the adult child; the continuation of the parent-child roles; physical issues; and distance.
Successful communication happens when it’s on a “peer-to-peer basis,” not when one person in the relationship insists on playing the parent role. Sometimes it’s the child trying to be the parent. I think the “Me” generation has gotten a bad rap as a generation that thinks only about itself.
Ultimately, adult children do want to help their parents. The first step is to recognize what role you have, peer to peer or as a child. I’ve been through this with my parents and we can help you with yours.